On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Not that length and weight alone indicate excellence

You don't have to be good all the times. It's okay to be hurt sometimes. It's okay to feel lost like you're wandering around the dark. It's the bad days that make the good ones so much better.

A single ego is an absurdly narrow vantage point from which to view the world.

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

I lived a very isolated life. When you start at 20, you have a lot of nonsense to work out of your system.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets.

But memory, after a time, dispenses its own emphasis, making a feuilleton of what we once thought most ponderable, laying its wreath on what we never thought to recall.

But no one came. Because no one ever does.

When there is no more separation between 'this' and 'that,' it is called the still-point of the Tao. At the still point in the center of the circle one can see the infinite in all things.