On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

When the ego is in the driver’s seat, we judge. When our spirit, our authentic self, is in control, we practice listening (without judging), compassion, and love

You will never know how much progress you’ve made in life until you go back and start from the very beginning”.

If there were no God it would be necessary to invent him.

I didn't become an impressionist. As long as I can remember I always have been one.

We treat our future selves as though they were our children, spending most of the hours of most of our days constructing tomorrows that we hope will make them happy

Don't look left nor right and never compete. Never. Watching the other guy is what kills all forms of energy.

I was convinced before the game that we had a very good chance but today was what you would call in Germany a blackout.

You must take the risk to disclose yourself in order to become more real, more human. And even if the price is high.

I've never trained as an actor. I've always thought I'm not a good actor. I've been told I'm not a good actor by a lot of people.

Angels are pure thoughts from God, winged with Truth and Love.