(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Within us is Energy which when channelized, spirals into Inspiration.

Perseverance, secret of all triumphs.

What the poet is searching for is not the fundamental I but the deep you.

The Press, Watson, is a most valuable institution, if you only know how to use it.

The most powerful predictable people builders are praise and encouragement.

I mulled over what he had told me as I savored the Scotch. Not bad, really - like a beer that's been in a brawl.

Compliments you pay to yourself aren't worth having.

People may teach what they know, but they reproduce what they are.

The Art of Peace is based on four Great Virtues: Bravery, Wisdom, Love, and Friendship, symbolized by Fire, Heaven, Earth, and Water.

How can people be anything but ignorant when knowledge isn't saved, isn't taught?