On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

But fear is no fit means to measure anyone, for fools have no fear, or so I've heard it said.

It felt dangerous. It felt amazing. It felt like of course the lights were out, because all the electricity in the city was in my veins.

Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some.

To feel valued, to know, even if only once in a while, that you can do a job well is an absolutely marvelous feeling.

Only now do I understand the war against boredom, the lost cause of empty hours, of empty days and nights.

I don't think he cheated on me. During the marriage, I think he was there.

It's really nice to know hard work does pay off.

Once you have your basics down, you can start breaking the rules.

Rollin wit a posse full of paranoid drugdealaz!

I really wanna work with Kanye West. He's one of the few people I haven't got to work with yet that I really wanted to.