On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You can have all the wine and dragons that my money can buy. That’s what the old woman told me, and I listened.

Rational was for people who didn’t have a broken heart.

Well, he had two stabs at the cherry

No nation respects a beggar.

Just because we form an opinion about ourselves, or anyone else, doesn't mean it is true.

Be generous with kindly words, especially about those who are absent.

The children of the Reagan Revolution are ready to assume the mantle of leadership.

My life is going to continue to be public, and I just accept that.

Me pray? Never! I'm an atheist.

Sincere compliments cost nothing and can accomplish much. In any relationship, they are the applause that refreshes.