Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Covetousness gives birth to violence, while violence gives birth to oppression.

One of the most important gifts that you can give to yourself is the gift of self-education, that is the best way to grow on constant basis

The trouble with people like Tony Blair is they get confused, they think intelligence is education when they're two different things.

You need to enjoy yourself and just get into the routine of keeping fit and enjoying being active. That's always easier once you've made friends in the sport.

I believe that it is imperative that we learn from the mistakes.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

The most exciting breakthroughs of the 21st century will not occur because of technology but because of an expanding concept of what it means to be human.

I think vegetarians - for a lot of them - it's about a lack of commitment to life and relationships. There are some who just like the fact that they're controlling something in their life.

We have the most generous immigration policy, but what is a concern is when illegal immigrants come and undermine a variety of the systems that work in order to make our society function.

Love what you do, not the love you get for doing it.