Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Welcome to Hartford. The poorest city in the wealthiest state in the richest country on earth.

Be weary of the unknown inside of every human being, but do not fear it, embrace it.

Kyoko sniffs, unable to speak. Sometimes saying nothing means most of all.

…she simply accepted it for what it was — a normal, average, everyday kind of miracle.

The only gambling tip which amounts to anything is to keep out of the game.

Ronald Reagan has held the two most demeaning jobs in the country; President of the United States and radio broadcaster for the Chicago Cubs.

Most of the press is in league with government, or with the status quo.

I made a living being a background singer for years.

The past does not have to be your prison. You have a voice in your destiny. You have a say in your life. You have a choice in the path you take.

Because I cannot flatter and look fair, Smile in men's faces, smooth, deceive, and cog, Duck with French nods and apish courtesy, I must be held a rancorous enemy.