Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

The activities in a society is determined by its establishment

Twilight whippoorwill...Whistle on, sweet deepenerOf dark loneliness

I love to read books that focus on parenting topics because there are so many different ways to do things. I find these books offer a lot of great opinions on many different subjects.

There's not a long, entrenched tradition of theatergoing in Australia.

All I can say about the work I try to do, is that the aesthetic is in reality itself.

We never got anything out of the recordings. I'm still as broke as I was when I was with the Mothers.

Every writer knows he is spurious; every fiction writer would rather be credible than authentic.

I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.

You see a person when you look in the mirror that no one sees but you. Other people see a person when they look at you, but you're not that person, either.

Read only the most optimistic comments on the world's news; those in harmony with your picture.