Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The most disgusting human trait is bias, because it typically leads to propaganda, hate and violence.

She wakes, she smiles .... because she is enevloped in the warmth of loving you.

What's a man worth without love ? $.89 worth of chemicals." Hawkeye Pierce

I have never been afraid of dying, I have only been afraid of not living fully.

Can you feel it? Something just changed. I believe that’s the sound the world makes when it pisses itself.

You aren't going to save the world on your own. But you might inspire a generation of kids to save it for all of us. You would be amazed at what inspired children can do.

I learned a long time ago that the show you're going to see isn't the one you have in your head. As soon as you understand that, you're going to enjoy it a lot more.

I get a craving like I fiend for nicotine. But I don't need a cigarette, know what I mean?

I tend to play rather odd men. People that are slightly odd or eccentric, or have a more particular attitude to life.

The ultimate goal of the Web is to support and improve our weblike existence in the world. We clump into families, associations, and companies.