Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Being ninty nine percent sure opens for a possibility that you might be a hundred percent wrong.

If you act like you've only got fifteen minutes, it will take all day. Act like you've got all day, it will take fifteen minutes.

You don’t have to be a miser, just be wiser with your money.

I feel as if I had been born dead underAmerican bombardment.

It's so hard when I have to and so easy when I want to.

The one reality you can't evade is personal experience.

The newspaper fits the reader's program while the listener must fit the broadcaster's program.

I've been really lucky that I've been exposed to a lot of lovely, talented people who are not jerks and I would like to continue that streak.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Wisely, I say, I am a bachelor.