Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff, you get people going, "I didn't come here to have my political views bashed."

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of telling lies skillfully.

Why are all these dolls falling out of the sky? Was there a father? Or have the planets cut holes in their nets and let our childhood out, or are we the dolls themselves, born but never fed?

The sole cause of man's unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.

The opposite of poverty is not wealth. I don't believe that. I actually think, in too many places, the opposite of poverty is justice.

We had and incident. I took care of it." "Really." Jace's voice dripped sarcasm. "Do you even know how to use that knife, Clarissa? Without poking a hole in yourself or any innocent bystanders?

Thought is the thought of thought.

World wide capitalism kills more people everyday then Hitler did. And he was crazy.

We earn what we get - most of us - and, sweet heaven help us! we get it. God does not always pay on Saturday - but He Pays.

Cruelty is softened by fear, not pity.