One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

our triumphant age of plenty is riddled with darker feelings of doubt, cynicism, distrust, boredom and a strange kind of emptiness

Dear God, he prayed irreverently, was her blouse even legal?

He turned one of his death rays into an ice cream maker, except he said I shouldn’t eat too much of it at once.”I nodded slowly. “Right, ” I said. “That’s…sweet, I think.

Of what story or stories do I find myself a part?

I'm not too good with packing. I always have every intention of doing it the week before and then leave it until the last moment - but at least I do it myself, I don't leave it to the missus.

I have great confidence in you to do what you think best. State your opinion and always act with courage.

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

I wish sometimes you had a few bad motives, you might understand a little more about human beings.

I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death.

It's interesting that these themes of crime and political corruption are always relevant.