One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The Sun will rise and set regardless. What we choose to do with the light while it's here is up to us. Journey wisely.

Good taste is death. Vulgarity is life.

My hair is way, way long. I've hitchhiked across the country a zillion times. I've ridden in every car. I was never a hippie. It takes more than long hair.

"The State of the Jews" was not a title of a country. It was a title of a futuristic novel.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

A story has to have muscle as well as meaning, and the meaning has to be in the muscle.

My idea of the real aristocrat is the master workman, no matter what his line of work may be.

I was no longer, if I had ever been, afraid to die: I was now afraid not to die.

Every intellectual effort sets us apart from the commonplace, and leads us by hidden and difficult paths to secluded spots where we find ourselves amid unaccustomed thoughts.

When you are satisfied, you are successful. For that's all there is to success is satisfaction.