One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

...with electronic communication, what one writes in a moment, eternity will not erase.

May you find new opportunities in every encounter.

This amateurism however, can sometimes be helpful in forging a style; you have to work around your weaknesses.

Learning without thought is labour lost.

Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence.

I would love when that day comes so I can prove everyone wrong, but in the same time prove to myself I can be the best I can be.

For the first time in my life I feel important. I'd like to have five babies

I've pretty much done all I can here and, you know, God will carry me the rest of the way, so I'm pretty comfortable with that.

Thus it is that "Some things are increased by being diminished, others are diminished by being increased." What others have taught, I also teach; verily, I will make it the root of my teaching.

No wind favors he who has no destined port.