One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Screw sharks a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.

Christmas teaches us to be loving, kind, giving, forgiving, and appreciating.

The great humorist forgets himself in his delighted contemplation of other people.

Success is goals, everything else is commentary.

We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.

I don't think I have committed a crime outside the domain of the US.

Sometimes you fall in love with some things and then you fall out of love with it.

It's beautiful when you watch something good happen to somebody when it's well deserved.

But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

The whole history of the 20th century is a history of resistance groups which are either nationalist or, in large parts of the Muslim word, religious groups.