One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You have magic in your heart. Unfold the magnificence of your magical beauty.

If Jarod Kintz was a cat, he'd stalk people silently and deadly. Right now, all he does is bark at them for no good reason, like all the good people do.

You wrote my thoughtsFor all the world to seePainted the skyWith immortal words

Cages come in lots of different colors and shapes. Some are gilded, while others have a slamming door. But golden handcuffs are still handcuffs.

Biggest pent-up negative wealth effect you can see in the economic data going back to 1952.

I don't think crack happened by accident. I'm part conspiracy theorist, because you can't develop something that dangerous and have it not be planned.

Our aspirations are our responsibilities.

It is impossible to fight bullies merely by saying they're going too far.

That was madness. You're never going to bring one of those down with a handgun.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.