One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.

A sad, plangent music. In the British camp, Sharpe thought, they would be singing, but no one was singing here.

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note, " he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.

Keep dating and you will become so sick, so badly crippled, so deformed, so emotionally warped and mentally defective that you will marry anybody.

Any chance I had to get in front of people - amateur talent contests at movie houses like the Broadway, the president - I took.

Creativity requires the freedom to consider unthinkable alternatives, to doubt the worth of cherished practices.

Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory. Sh*t is real. You're not going to find a chink. It's 100,000 per cent Jimi Hendrix.

Every sin that is left without repentance is a sin unto death, for which if even a saint shall pray, he shall not be heard.

What made me feel empowered was the gun, not the clothes. Like if I had the gun, it didn't matter what your size was, what your stature was.

When you have a kid, you sign on for the whole package: good, bad, everything in between. you can't just dip in and out, picking and choosing the parts you want and quitting when it's not perfect.