One of the greatest myths of all time is that so-called civilized man is no longer an animal, and for that reason can strive to disarm himself and grow fat with false concepts.

Cultivate solitude and quiet and a few sincere friends, rather than mob merriment, noise and thousands of nodding acquaintances.

Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.

Have you noticed that the people who actually make the laws, the people in power, never make laws for themselves?

The only laws a man can truly respect are the ones he makes for himself.

Believe it or not, bananas do contain a small quantity of Musa Sapientum bananadine, which is a mild, short-lasting psychedelic.

I highly recommend worrying. It is much more effective than dieting.

If a man is to be a man, a free spirit unto himself, he must arm himself not only with weapons but with ideals and concepts he is willing to die for.

There is only one purpose in hand-to-hand combat, and that is to kill. Never face an enemy with the idea of knocking him out. The chances are extremely good that he will kill you.

Since shotguns are not military weapons, your local sporting goods dealer will have good information about them, as long as you aren't black, Spanish, or a white freak.

Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?

Shepherds, did they but know it, walk through greater halls than kings.

A publisher is somebody looking for someone who has something to say.

I don't know technology and engineering. I don't know accounting.

Hats are like a halo of happiness.

We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny

great. now i was starting to get jealous of myself.

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

I think sometimes parents and teachers fail to stretch kids. My mother had a very good sense of how to stretch me just slightly outside my comfort zone.

I speak my mind. That's what we loved Tupac for.