One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If darkness was meant to rule it wouldn’t be chased away by the Light.” -Sheelagh

A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.

If they wish to fight today, let them come like men.

I'm for turning off the tube and turning down the light, cause I'm for nothing else but me and you tonight.

I think Republicans really need to be disciplined, to stay focused on sustained economic growth.

I thought I would call myself a pig before the viewer could, so they could only think more of me.

When you cross the street, take my hand

I'm not perfect, either. In the end, it's only God's judgement that matters, and I've learned enough to know that no one can presume to know the will of God.

What love lays bare in me is energy.

Creativity comes from spontaneous meetings, from random discussions.