One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I'm done, I'm done.

I had choosen the path of the black sheep rather than that of the unicorns and puppies.

In architecture the pride of man, his triumph over gravitation, his will to power, assume a visible form. Architecture is a sort of oratory of power by means of forms.

I love to write. It's my first love.

Make measurable progress in reasonable time.

Think of it as you want it, not as it is!

The true comic muse is the one with tears running down under her laughing mask.

Hunger can explain many acts. It can be said that all vile acts are done to satisfy hunger.

It goes without saying, winning against a good team in a hostile crowd on the road, it's just an absolutely huge win.

If God had so wished, he would have made all Indians speak with one language ... the unity of India has been and shall always be a unity in diversity.