One of the principal features of my entertainment is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with it.

I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.

Trouble will come soon enough, and when he does come receive him as pleasantly as possible. The more amiably you greet him, the sooner he will go away.

The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.

Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we can't, I'm in favor of the Union as it wasn't.

It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it.

I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels.

We wish genius and morality where affectionate companions, but it is a fact that they are often bitter enemies. They don't necessarily coalesce any more than oil and water do.

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

A writer who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop.

Imagine for a moment Napoleon I, to have borne the name of Jenkins, or Washington to have sustained the appellation of John Smith!

It’s true that no one ever said life would be easy, but it is also true that no one ever said you had to go through it alone.

Be the best you.

Do you know, by the way, that German is the only language in the world that has a word for ‘pleasure derived from the misfortune of others’? Schadenfreude.

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

I don't have a sprinter's body.

Even if you feed the cow cocoa you will not get chocolate.

To say that 'I will not be free till all humans (or all sentient creatures) are free' is simply to cave in to a kind of nirvana-stupor, to abdicate our humanity, to define ourselves as losers.

Sunlight feels warm and rough against your skin like a kiss on the cheek from your dad.

If managing were simple, why do the majority of businesses fail? If physicians had the same success rate as executives, the medical schools would have been shuttered long ago.

I’ve spent a lot of recreational time walking around historical castles and estates, in Britain and Europe, and so I know what the real thing looks like