One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

We ruined each other by being together. We destroyed each other’s dreams.

Christianity is righteousness of Jesus Christ.

I love the vulgar. I kind of have the humor of a 17-year-old boy.

One of the biggest challenges of a horsemen is to be able tot control your emotions.

I wanted to apply to the astronaut program after the Challenger accident

Make the man within your living ideal.

I think a story is an attention grabber. I think it's a truth conveyor. Those are two great features of a good story.

When someone needs help, you help. Right?

Half of the popcorn sh-t that's out there, we know it's popcorn. But we're like, "It's my guilty pleasure." I feel like we have more guilty pleasure than actual f - kin' pleasure.

Th abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.