One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

How I'm glad to go back home!Once I truly have no more worry. Many of those who are in a hurry Endure setbacks in the outcome.

There was a marvelous, dark lyricism in his voice, the kind of defiance that is rooted in deep loneliness.

An eerie feeling plagued the back of her mind, insisting that a supernatural force was within the room, or worse, within her!

She had no tolerance for scenes which were not of her own making.

Be careful what you give children, for sooner or later you are sure to get it back.

The cure for a fallacious argument is a better argument, not the suppression of ideas.

Chicago is unique. It is the only completely corrupt city in America.

It's poetry to watch the game when the game is left alone, when there's not a bunch of flags on the ground.

Charles Darwin viewed the fossil record more as an embarrassment than as an aid to his theory.