One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

People who have become great have only become great because they bought that greatness with time.

I pressed and I prayed. It was only right that pressing went with prayer. That and being sorry. Every wrinkle was a patch of sorry to be smoothed and flattened.

An orphans curse would drag to hellA spirit from on high

Everybody is right when there are no wrongs.

It is a wonderful truth that things we want most in life-a sense of purpose, happiness and hope-are most easily attained by giving them to others.

We're just recycled history machines, cavemen in faded blue jeans.

I have a theory of statistics: if you can double them or halve them and they still work, they are really good statistics.

The fate of our times is characterized by rationalization and intellectualization and, above all, by the disenchantment of the world.

I studied with Stella Adler and I didn't like the representational aspect of most opera singers. Most of the opera singers had not a false, but over theatrical way of presenting.

A wrong that cannot be repaired must be transcended.