One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If you stop tending to flowers when they lose a few petals, you will never grow a garden.

The church has lost its ability to discipline members who live openly in sin. Consequently, we have lost our witness in the community.

Ethics change with technology.

Some women have become far too proscriptive of other women's pleasures and private arrangements, and the definition of feminism has become ideologically overloaded.

This is my philosophy: I prefer to stay out of the public eye. I love freedom.

We all make mistakes, but the people who thrive from their mistakes are the successful ones.

We've reached a point where we are not a very empathetic people, and art without empathy is art without an audience. My basic viewpoint is that without art we're alone.

The man who stops making new friends eventually will have none.

... we are the products of our past. ... a web of complexities.

Theres not a lot of good humor in medicine, but theres a lot of medicine in good humor.