One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I was too much of an extremist to be able to live under the eye of God and at the same time say both yes and no to life

I think I think, therefore I think I probably am.

He was a good boy and ‘projected’ goodness – which later would be the downfall of many a person.

If we would only see that all limitations are self imposed and chosen out of fear, we would leap at once.

The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire

Our demands are simple, normal, and therefore they are difficult to satisfy. All we ask is that an actor on the stage live in accordance with natural laws.

It's important to respect both your teammates and your opponents. Friendships can make a victory last forever.

Once you're a chess player, you spend a lot of time thinking about the game and you can't get it completely out of your head.

Basketball made me happy to be tall. And more secure about myself than I ever would have been without it.

How can you have any regret when everything worked out fine? But why I think it worked out fine is due to the lessons I learned along the way. And one of those involves listening to experts.