One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Arrogance and a teachable spirit are mutually exclusive.

I always tell kids, you have two eyes and one mouth. Keep two open and one closed. You never learn anything if you're the one talking.

Who gives a damn about being remembered? That's really for amateurs.

Look to the cross, think of the cross, meditate on the cross, and then go and set your affections on the world if you can.

When it rains, it pours - figuratively and literally

It is good to dream! After I dream, I envision, and after I envision, I create!

To be a great leader, first become a great person.

I don't want an elderly gentleman from Vienna with an umbrella inflicting his dreams upon me.

Like all right-listening folk, I am an implacable enemy of all muzak.

Sometimes you have to face up to your fears to realize that they aren't actually real.