Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

In all my perplexities and distresses, the Bible has never failed to give me light and strength.

No matter how much money you have or what kind of cocoon you live in, the reality is that you have lost a game of football and let England's fans down. We are bothered.

People have good and bad days.

But in that moment she realized how false most smiles were and what a tremendous waste of time.

I love going back to vinyl! I still have a great vinyl collection that I'm building up every couple of months. It's something I love to do.

Nobody has a right to whip me but my own master, and nobody shall do so if I can prevent it

A critical issue for women is the possibility to be a mother and the ability to participate fully in the workforce.

What use is it that knowledge mounts? It's knowing something good that counts.

We've got to stop thinking everybody who is Muslim is a terrorist.

I'd rather have newspapers and no government than government and no newspapers.