Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to Earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.

During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, 'More open than usual'. I now declare this place more open than usual.

Cannibalism is a radical but realistic solution to the problem of overpopulation.

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?

People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.

I would like to go to Russia very much — although the bastards murdered half my family.

You're just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don't trust me and I don't trust you.

The bastards murdered half my family.

In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation.

I'm really a peaceful sort of coward.

I once heard someone say that success is not hocus pocus but focus focus.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If we lose our memory, we lose ourselves. Forgetting is one of the symptoms of death. Without memory we cease to be human beings.

The only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear.

Conflicting commercial regulations of the different States shackled and diminished both foreign and domestic trade; hence the power to regulate commerce was conferred.

The infallible test of spiritual integrity, Jesus says, is your private prayer life.

Commend me to sterling honesty though clad in rags.

Come give us a taste of your quality.