Only in America can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone bombs, pro-nuclear weapons, pro-guns, pro-torture, pro-land mines, and still call yourself 'pro-life.

If you don't want your tax dollars to help the poor, then stop saying that you want a country based on Christian values. Because you don't!

I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

Only in America can you be Pro-Death Penalty, Pro-War, Pro-Unmanned Drone Bombs, Pro-Nuclear Weapons, Pro-Guns, Pro-Torture, Pro-Land Mines, AND still call yourself 'Pro-Life.'

The greatest threat to America is not foreign terrorists, its domestic morons.

Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.

Loving the Second Amendment while opposing the NRA is every bit as natural as loving Jesus while opposing Westboro Baptist Church.

Jesus never called the poor 'lazy,' fought for tax cuts for the wealthiest Nazarenes or asked a leper for a copay.

People get God and religion confused. I think God is a bit too hip to join any of his unauthorized fan clubs.

My mother was an ex-nun, and my father was a Franciscan brother, so I grew up believing in Jesus the way anyone would believe in Mom's first husband.

Impeach President Reagan retroactively for agreeing with Obama on the assault weapons ban.

Lines don’t make beautiful women less beautiful

...treat people with understanding when you can, and fake it when you can'tuntil you do understand.

You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?

As individuals, we know that suffering is temporary, and hope is eternal.

Once water charges are in place they will only go up. This has been the history of all these charges

[Emily Litella line:] Never mind.

We think it will be shortly afterwards, but it seems a terrible thing to gamble with such big stakes in diplomacy without having your master card in your hand.

As long as there are prisons, police, armies, navies; we are not civilized. When the Earth joins together and uses the Earth intelligently, that will be the beginning of civilization.

It's hard being the guy that brings in a song, because you're very, you know, it can be something that you get too sensitive about.

I want the public to know that it will be an honor for me to meet them and spend a few special moments with all those who helped me through my filmed career.