Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The best writing is rewriting.

Am I as admirable as that ant?

[I]n America, wrongs can be righted, warriors can wear skirts and blouses, and the bravest heartsmay beat in girlsonly five feet tall.

Only someone obsessed with sexual fidelity to an unhealthy degree places a higher value on preserving the ideal of monogamous marriage over preserving an actual marriage.

Tomorrow, the busiest day of the week. I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.

He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either.

I found the bench to be the greatest ally when I had to make individuals comply with what was best for the team

To find the Beloved, you must become the Beloved.

Shoot the bad guys and I'll gladly sing a tune for you.

How many undervalue the power of simplicity ! But it is the real key to the heart.