Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

To write only according to the rules laid down by masterpieces signifies that one is not a master but a pupil.

He stopped his act to take a snapshot of that instant he would so treasure- her delightful laughter that could make him do anything, anything at all, in the world and beyond!

How can they ask why I feel so angry? Do you see my problem if I never explain it?But then there's you asking me how long. Say something, it's taken me so long.

Patriotism to your country is something that comes from your heart. It should be taught to you by your parents.

I have no problems or issues with screenwriting in general.

The more I trust my intuition and act on its wisdom, the more extraordinary my life becomes.

Entropy and optimism: the twin forces that make the world go around.

The elected officials should be working for the voters who elected them. Money corrupts the process. Why would you be giving a candidate money unless you expect something in return?

If a cat had a halo, it would probably wear it around it's tail. It makes a statement.

Balanced is probably what I am, although that's just a polite way to say that you don't do anything very well.