Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Through the anger came something I recognized

Those who engage in deception generally have nothing good to offer

A person needs at intervals to separate himself from family and companions and go to new places. He must go without his familiars in order to be open to influences, to change.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

You and I must not complain if our plans break down if we have done our part. That probably means that the plans of One who knows more than we do have succeeded.

You are connected to something very much larger than yourself. And that's a beautiful thing.

I understood....that in my own life I represented a whole period of American history.

People do not relate to nor do they like Hillary Clinton.

But I am happy. And happiness, I have decided, is a noble ambition.

The sin of all time has been the exercise of assumed powers. This is the essence of tyranny.