Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

All the beauty of wisdom and knowledge resides in kindness.

We always hurt what we love most

Marx made theory... Lenin applied it with his sense of large-scale social organization... And Henry Ford made the work of the socialist state possible.

Elbow grease is the best polish.

All that running and getting nowhere, he thought. Story of my life.

If you ask for too much, you lose even that which you have.

This is the basis for the joy of love when there is joy; we feel that our existence is justified.

I became the first ever Euro-continental champion in WWF history. Well, besides D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count.

The meaning of conservatism is not that it impedes movement forward and upward, but that it impedes movement backwards and downwards—to chaotic darkness and the return to a primitive state.

The fans have always supported me; bought my books, attended my camps and wore my sneakers. I will always have a special relationship with the fans.