Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

We give up too soon.

Retirement: statutory senility.

Contentment is for cows; a challenging purpose is for people.

I don't know if I'll ever accomplish most of my dreams - I have so many.

I read the script of [Woman Under the Influence ] 50 times. And I thought about it. And then I did it.

Dreams do come true, even for someone who couldn't speak English and never had a music lesson or much of an education.

In meditation we research the field without time and space and activity, and yet produce a useful effect while conducting the research.

Don't get your fuel from the same place your car does

There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I've just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it's not the end of the world."

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.