Our German forefathers had a very kind religion. They believed that, after death, they would meet again all the good dogs that had been their companions in life. I wish I could believe that too.

Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

One day the great European War will come out of some damned foolish thing in the Balkans (1888).

What we learn from History is that no one learns from History

The Americans are a very lucky people. They're bordered to the north and south by weak neighbors, and to the east and west by fish.

God has a special providence for fools, drunks, and the United States of America.

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.

The secret of politics? Make a good treaty with Russia.

The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions but by iron and blood.

We live in a wondrous time in which the strong is weak because of his moral scruples and the weak grows strong because of his audacity.

Never fight with Russian. On your every stratagem they answer unpredictable stupidity.

There’s no way to stand up gracefully when your pants are down around your ankles.

Every faculty and virtue I possess can be used as an instrument with which to worry myself.

When there is a lack of honor in government, the morals of the whole people are poisoned.

I had always heard of Bad Santa one but I hadn't seen it, but it was sort of legendary.

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

After the White House what is there to do but drink?

It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then.

You can't totally rebel, otherwise you have to go live on your own, on a desert island. It's as simple as that.

Gangsta rappers, they call them. Not nearly as gangsta as the things that inspire them.. you know, a gangsta government that we operate under.

Wall Street makes its money on activity. You make your money on inactivity.