Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Increasingly, the mathematics will demand the courage to face its implications.

I believe that my clothes can give people a better image of themselves - that it can increase their feelings of confidence and happiness.

I am sure that the Israelis and the Pentagon and everyone else are searching through this Bible Code minute by minute to see what the future holds.

Oftentimes the most produced and synth-tastic songs are the ones that end up sounding the best acoustic.

When you decide to be something, you can be it.

Content is an obstacle to the exercise of power.

If you're an addict, if you drink and you're putting a depressant into your body, it's going to cause serious problems.

Dreams are not theirs to take!

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.

The effect of the consolations of religion may be compared to that of a narcotic.