Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that's being artificially inseminated.

For some people themselves and their family is only human But Other all are Toy For play and Broke After game But The truth they do not know that they just Own Human Body Nothing More

Kevin watched the water move down the creek. He didn’t know where it was going but he assumed that it was to a lake. It seemed to be in a hurry, so he hoped that it would get there soon.

Obama's perverse view of fairness threatens to create reverse incentives, militating against growth, jobs, expansion and upward mobility.

What ticks you off enough to get involved in efforts to better the lot of women? What motivates you to action?

I find this curious - two photos from today, one edited so my skin is perfect and one real. remember flaws are ok.

We live in a different era now. And thank God for that.

Key shaved off the right (side) this time, so next it'll be the center.

Carlisle: "I've seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot overcome."