Our government's got a war on drugs. That's certainly better than no drugs at all.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.

He didn't look like a soldier at all. He looked like a filthy flamingo.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Perhaps I am the turtle, able to live simply anywhere, even underwater for short periods, with my home on my back.

About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.

We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

The Y Chromosome, organized religion and money are the roots of all evil.

Nothing is so hard that it can't be found by searching.

A simple solution to a problem could be as complex as a problem to a simple solution.

Boys will be boys.

It's a closing of the mind that happens when you want to be lazy and go with the easiest answers, like the media do all the time in their sound bytes.

Anytime you get an award as a coach, you've got to be the ultimate fool to think it wasn't your assistant coaches and all the players responsible for the award.

I believe in accessibility. I believe in honesty and a culture that supports that. And you can't have that if you're not open to receiving feedback.

In one generation of silent neglect, we have allowed the revisionists of our history to rewrite our past and deny that we have a Christian heritage.

Comedy is easy. First, people have to fall down. Next, include someone a little hefty. It's a hoot.