Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The act of you leaving was just the full stop at the end of a terrible sentence. Fact is, I lost you long before you ever left.

Always ensure that the roads you must take are filled with love not hate.

...Or should you mourn the rapist, which I guess Christians mourn the people who kill them too.

She fantasized sometimes too about killing him a little: a little poison in his pudding, a little flick-flick-flick with a fillet knife at his throat.

You do not build your own houses, nor make your own garments, nor bake your own bread, simply because you know that if you were to attempt all these things they would all be more or less ill done.

I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there's nothing really filthy.

What changes your world is not wishing for change; what changes your world is changing!

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

Auditioning is always so different for different things.

Nobody has ever accused Donald Trump of lowering the temperature on anything - I don't think.