Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Opportunities don’t make U turns.

Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought and not as many of those who worry about their shortcomings believe an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory.

We were promised a simpler life, and technology has only complicated our lives.

The real subject of every painting is light.

Everyone fails. Everyone is constantly failing. It is all part of life, and especially this job of being an actor.

What is masculine and what is feminine, anyway? Why should men not show that they can be fragile or seductive? I am only happy when there is no discrimination.

I have a whole slew of doctors. I can count eight in my phone right now - eight different doctors, all for different parts of my body. I have specialists.

Just as one candle lights another and can light thousands of other candles, so one heart illuminates another heart and can illuminate thousands of other hearts.

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.

Remember, children. For every exit, there is also an entrance. ~ Milligan, The Mysterious Benedict Society