Our mantra is that 90 percent of all television is bad, and ten percent has never been better. We make fun of that 90 percent.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

Self-education is lifelong curiosity.

I want to prove that if you write in strict meter and rhyme about subjects people care about, they will buy poetry.

I never want to hurt anyone on the ice. That's not the type of player I am.

The American people are not anti-immigrant. We are concerned about the lack of coherence in our immigration policy and enforcement.

There is nothing God doesn't know about your life. You may know the past and present, but God also knows the future. Choose today to walk securely - not in what you know, but in what you believe.

Don’t major on the fall, major on getting up!

I love watching gymnastics, swimming, and track and field.

I don't compete with others, but compete with myself.

The argument advanced by the supporters of the theory of hereditary transmission does not furnish a satisfactory explanation of the cause of the inequalities and diversities of the universe.

It is profitable wisdom to know when we have done enough: Much time and pains are spared in not flattering ourselves against probabilities.