Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I glanced at my mate- the male who had always presented me with a choice not as a gift, but as my own gods-given right.

Where would we be without the success of our mothers?

California must be all American or all Chinese. We are resolved that it shall be American, and are prepared to make it so. May we not rely upon your sympathy and assistance?

I wouldn't say jamie is an evil genius. I'm not sure he's evil and I'm not sure he's a genius.

You can always judge a man by what he eats, and therefore a country in which there is no free lunch is no longer a free country.

Always tell the truth - it's the easiest thing to remember.

Rome had senators too, and that is why it declined.

Nature is content with little; grace with less; but lust with nothing.

It's always been good here at Edenlove to keep coming here and entertain the crowd.

Nothing makes sense, why should I?