Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Every artist gets asked the question, 'Where do you get your ideas?' The honest artist answers, 'I steal them.'

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

Especially with comedy, you take massive risks because ultimately you're trying to be funny. If you're not funny, then it's really embarrassing and you look stupid.

Tell him I mind having to look pretty, that's what I mind, because it is so much more of an effort.

I was getting in trouble at school. I wasn't happy. The school was very much a school that created people for commerce and it wasn't an arty school.

I live in San Francisco, I live in Provincetown. They're all the same, apart from Baltimore. Baltimore's the only cheap place left.

I do think that there has to be a legal solution, a legal solution on the part of the nation's legislative branch, an immigration proposal.

There's nothing wrong with being an agitator.

Prayer does not influence God. Prayer surely does influence God. It does not influence His purpose. It does influence His action.

All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes from the I-concept.