Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Circumvent negative influences, circumstances and people.

Without books no one can be a good teacher nor even a good student of this art.

That when we live no more, We may live ever

These violent delights have violent endsAnd in their triump die, like fire and powderWhich, as they kiss, consume

Do you feel your best when your strung out on your morphine and meth?

Men pass away, but their deeds abide. [His last words.]

The White House has something in common with the rest of America, and that is disdain for Congress. It is hard to blame them.

I'm a big shoe guy, too. I have far too many pairs. Whenever there's a new style out, I'll text my stylist: 'Can we get a pair of those?'

Man's most sacred privilege is freedom of will, the ability to obey or disobey his Maker.

I don't know all the certain words to word it.