P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

God is Change.Earthseed: The Books of the LivingLauren Oya Olamina

If our two loves be one, or, thou and I Love so alike, that none do slacken, none can die.

The Indians were inside their bodies, he decided, in a way that the British were not. His own flesh impeded his spirit.

With older people, it's quite different. They're reliable, they show you what to do, and there's solidity in their affection.

You cannot forget about your femininity. You don't have to compete with men in that respect.

Whenever God is blessing, we can expect the devil to be opposing.

The bodies of those that made such a noise and tumult when alive, when dead, lie as quietly among the graves of their neighbors as any others.

Leaders don't do what they WANT to do;they do whatever is necessary.

God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.

Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears Had left the flushing of her gallèd eyes, She married. O, most wicked speed, to post With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!