P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

First fill your heart with an abundance of love. Then let the light of your love enlighten the whole world.

I would like to outsmart the role that is destined for me. But I can't. I have failed to destroy my category.

Podcast is a good choice, start watching such stuff.

How did the Prince Charming of my childhood turn out to be such a crushing disappointment? Maybe he wasn't Prince Charming in the first place.

I hope that when I'm 80 years old, people will still be talking about my wedding.

Try to discover your true, honest, untheoretical self.

Man, like a light in the night, is kindled and put out.

We imagine people as animals or gods. -But she was just a person, a girl.

The idea of transformation - playing something I'm not - is the bit I enjoy most about acting.

I don't personally believe that villains exist. Villains are just a way of saying that somebody has an opposing conviction.