PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Kindness is a currency that can cover a multitude of interpersonal debts.

A dramatic thing, the first time you stand up to your dad.

I design my shots. I walk the rehearsal as the camera and say 'this is where I want to be... I want this look.

Making things difficult for the reader is less an attack on the reader than it is on the age and its facile knowledge-market.

Men are cheaters. Women are not to be trusted. And most people are dumb.

Culture has always been more important than politics. Sometimes culture is a mirror that reflects what is; sometimes it's a search-light pointing the way to what will be.

I have a lot of secret uses for sour cream, which is the magic ingredient in my mac and cheese. It's an old-timey, Southern version, and the sour cream makes it that much creamier. Oh, it's so good!

Madness. I did not get myself born to die. I have better things to do.

I like 'Futurama.' That's kind of the only thing that's my sci-fi thing, although I was big into zombies for a time.

God is behind everything, but everything hides God.