PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Ignorance leads to low income.

Hiding behind titles to create security is insecurity.

We have compromised the integrity of the church if we only emphasise on miracles.

Verily we are from God, and to Him shall we return!

All of life is a wager

Dead people are easy to love. It's the living ones who are hard.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

People aren't honest about the horrors of fame. The downsides are so overwhelming that, for me, there is no payoff.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University