PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Love conquers all difficulties, surmounts all obstacles, and effects what to any other power would be impossible.

All religions begin with a revolt against morality, and perish when morality conquers them.

Normally our season is seven weeks in the Drama Theatre and four weeks in the Opera Theater.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

I want fans to give me advice on girls; why do they always say they don’t look good in pictures, even though they look great?

Let the boat work - and not me!

You have to be quite brave to write about something that you honestly feel and think.

I suffer from the sense that everything good in my life is about to go away.

Fairly examined, truly understood, No man is wholly bad, nor wholly good.

I enlisted when I was a boy. The Navy looked after me like my mother. It fed me, took care of me and gave me wonderful opportunities.